Tonight I realized that I'm happy.
Work is crazy but I feel like I'm accomplishing things and adding value.
I'm going see family for Thanksgiving with Beemer and for a change I don't dread it.
My weight is completely disgusting, but I'm regularly spinning and making healthier choices so I know it's temporary.
My 'business' is steady and I'm glad to see the benefits of my degree on how to manage it.
Beemer - well, I think the time apart really was good for us. More and more often he seems dedicated to making us work. It's not all rainbows, but I think we have a greater appreciation for each other...or at least I do.
Putting it all together I feel peaceful.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Addiction
I remember the days, now several years back, when I'd say that I didn't run unless someone was chasing me.
Then I got to grad school and went through a phase where a combination of breakup depression and huge life changes collided. That phase was when I took up running.
It's nine years later now, and I still run. But I still tend to be a baby about doing anything that I perceive to be too physically taxing. Or, at least until recently.
I mentioned sometime back that I went rock climbing. I described it as the most physically challenging thing I've ever done. It turns out I really like it (though we've not been back, it's more relevant that I'd be willing).
Lately, my weight has been creeping up. Partially because of my cruise weight, partially because of the recent stuff with Beemer, and partially because I've just been plain lazy.
Until I took up spinning.
Perhaps it's too early to call it 'took up' but I've gone twice now, and have been willingly going to work early so I can make the classes.
As I was walking out of my class last night, I thought to myself, "That's the hardest physical thing I've ever done."
Perhaps I have a new addiction to pushing myself physically instead of mentally.
Then I got to grad school and went through a phase where a combination of breakup depression and huge life changes collided. That phase was when I took up running.
It's nine years later now, and I still run. But I still tend to be a baby about doing anything that I perceive to be too physically taxing. Or, at least until recently.
I mentioned sometime back that I went rock climbing. I described it as the most physically challenging thing I've ever done. It turns out I really like it (though we've not been back, it's more relevant that I'd be willing).
Lately, my weight has been creeping up. Partially because of my cruise weight, partially because of the recent stuff with Beemer, and partially because I've just been plain lazy.
Until I took up spinning.
Perhaps it's too early to call it 'took up' but I've gone twice now, and have been willingly going to work early so I can make the classes.
As I was walking out of my class last night, I thought to myself, "That's the hardest physical thing I've ever done."
Perhaps I have a new addiction to pushing myself physically instead of mentally.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Addiction
I remember the days, now several years back, when I'd say that I didn't run unless someone was chasing me.
Then I got to grad school and went through a phase where a combination of breakup depression and huge life changes collided. That phase was when I took up running.
It's nine years later now, and I still run. But I still tend to be a baby about doing anything that I perceive to be too physically taxing. Or, at least until recently.
I mentioned sometime back that I went rock climbing. I described it as the most physically challenging thing I've ever done. It turns out I really like it (though we've not been back, it's more relevant that I'd be willing).
Lately, my weight has been creeping up. Partially because of my cruise weight, partially because of the recent stuff with Beemer, and partially because I've just been plain lazy.
Until I took up spinning.
Perhaps it's too early to call it 'took up' but I've gone twice now, and have been willingly going to work early so I can make the classes. As I was walking out of my class last night, I thought to myself, "That's the hardest physical thing I've ever done."
Perhaps I have a new addiction to pushing myself physically instead of mentally.
Then I got to grad school and went through a phase where a combination of breakup depression and huge life changes collided. That phase was when I took up running.
It's nine years later now, and I still run. But I still tend to be a baby about doing anything that I perceive to be too physically taxing. Or, at least until recently.
I mentioned sometime back that I went rock climbing. I described it as the most physically challenging thing I've ever done. It turns out I really like it (though we've not been back, it's more relevant that I'd be willing).
Lately, my weight has been creeping up. Partially because of my cruise weight, partially because of the recent stuff with Beemer, and partially because I've just been plain lazy.
Until I took up spinning.
Perhaps it's too early to call it 'took up' but I've gone twice now, and have been willingly going to work early so I can make the classes. As I was walking out of my class last night, I thought to myself, "That's the hardest physical thing I've ever done."
Perhaps I have a new addiction to pushing myself physically instead of mentally.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Heading down a path
First of all, wow on all the comments for the last post. I want to welcome anonymous to my commentors. My readership is apparently very protective and I think you held your own - I probably would have slinked into the shadows.
It's not the first time I've heard, let him chase you. Perhaps different words, but same idea. In some ways I suppose men are a bit like lions, they enjoy the hunt and they don't like being startled.
I also appreciate the reminder not to expect everything to change immediately.
All that being said, dinner went very well. He's agreed to make some changes, we're still negotiating how's and what's. Lunch since then has also gone swimmingly. I've not moved back in as yet and we don't have a plan for it yet. In some ways I may be creating an artificial 'hunt' or I may be waiting out to see if change is really going to occur. But I'm keeping an eye out for the positive behaviors and reinforcing them. Baby steps.
We're moving forward with holiday planning. A new path is being forged. I am hoping this path leads to my happy ending, perhaps with slightly improved road conditions.
I think the key is that we love each other but we are fallible, have bad habits learned from years of living alone and from exs, and will trip up. So, so long as we move forth with love, and I remember he's not being malicious (perhaps lacking my preferred level of motivation), I think we'll get there.
It's not the first time I've heard, let him chase you. Perhaps different words, but same idea. In some ways I suppose men are a bit like lions, they enjoy the hunt and they don't like being startled.
I also appreciate the reminder not to expect everything to change immediately.
All that being said, dinner went very well. He's agreed to make some changes, we're still negotiating how's and what's. Lunch since then has also gone swimmingly. I've not moved back in as yet and we don't have a plan for it yet. In some ways I may be creating an artificial 'hunt' or I may be waiting out to see if change is really going to occur. But I'm keeping an eye out for the positive behaviors and reinforcing them. Baby steps.
We're moving forward with holiday planning. A new path is being forged. I am hoping this path leads to my happy ending, perhaps with slightly improved road conditions.
I think the key is that we love each other but we are fallible, have bad habits learned from years of living alone and from exs, and will trip up. So, so long as we move forth with love, and I remember he's not being malicious (perhaps lacking my preferred level of motivation), I think we'll get there.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Times up
When he said he needed two weeks, I wasn't sure how I'd make it. I hadn't been without him for more than a couple days for the last six months and even then we talked on the phone.
Over the last two weeks I've been through the gamut of emotions. Most of them written here.
I haven't been completely sure when the two weeks were up,but I figured somewhere between yesterday and tomorrow.
Starting yesterday I had begun to feel angry. Angry that he was able to not call. Angry that stuff I needed was still at his house. Angry about his potential answer when the two weeks were up. Angry about the long time of living with the ambiguity.
But it seems times up.Waiting is over. I've been invited over for dinner. He's cooking. I have no idea what the outcome may be. I'm nervous as all get-out.
I pray for the strength to believe that whatever the outcome is the Path I've been meant to have.
Over the last two weeks I've been through the gamut of emotions. Most of them written here.
I haven't been completely sure when the two weeks were up,but I figured somewhere between yesterday and tomorrow.
Starting yesterday I had begun to feel angry. Angry that he was able to not call. Angry that stuff I needed was still at his house. Angry about his potential answer when the two weeks were up. Angry about the long time of living with the ambiguity.
But it seems times up.Waiting is over. I've been invited over for dinner. He's cooking. I have no idea what the outcome may be. I'm nervous as all get-out.
I pray for the strength to believe that whatever the outcome is the Path I've been meant to have.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Silly really
I find it silly that I'm actually a little nervous about going to therapy today. I plan to tell T that the last session was a bit inappropriate because I felt mocked,put down, and led to what I think was a hasty decision to move out of Beemer's house. Even if in the end it works out, I think the means by which it happened was something I wasn't fully emotionally prepared for.
I worry that I'm not taking full responsibility for my actions, but I truly believe that I wouldn't have acted so quickly had we not had the session we did.
It's silly really to feel nervous about confronting someone and that I get to pay for the session to do so.
Perhaps this is sneaky therapy where I learn to confront in a healthy way?
I worry that I'm not taking full responsibility for my actions, but I truly believe that I wouldn't have acted so quickly had we not had the session we did.
It's silly really to feel nervous about confronting someone and that I get to pay for the session to do so.
Perhaps this is sneaky therapy where I learn to confront in a healthy way?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
On hold
It's the little things that make it impossible to forget that everything is on hold.
The fact that my neighbors. decided to lock down their internet and forces me to find places with free wifi. I don't want to order it in case I'm back to Beemer's house next week. But in the mean time it's a real pain not to have regular access.
The fact I seem to have left my camera there but can't go get it because we're 'on silence' until next week and I can't be the one to call early.
The fact there's a wedding (Shorty's) and a housewarming party we're invited to, and I don't know (but assume) if I'll be attending alone.
The fact I wanted to do my nails today and discovered I left the remover at his place. Given my bottle has lasted over a year, I'm not excited about buying another.
I won't even get into the feeling of not knowing if we'll be spending Christmas and New Years together. To many that's far off and not necessary to consider at this point. ..but I can't stop the spiral of thoughts about all the things I may be facing as a single person again.
The largest of issues is really that I feel on hold about my emotions. I can't know whether to begin to morn the loss or begin to consider 'the way back'.
I keep being told I need to be using this time to be clear about what I want. It's hard to know what to want when all you know is that you don't want *this* and you don't know if your wants will be irrelevant if he doesn't want to move forward. It seems to me that the devistation will only be greater if I work on the assumption that we'll be working on us, only to find out he wants out of the game.
The fact that my neighbors. decided to lock down their internet and forces me to find places with free wifi. I don't want to order it in case I'm back to Beemer's house next week. But in the mean time it's a real pain not to have regular access.
The fact I seem to have left my camera there but can't go get it because we're 'on silence' until next week and I can't be the one to call early.
The fact there's a wedding (Shorty's) and a housewarming party we're invited to, and I don't know (but assume) if I'll be attending alone.
The fact I wanted to do my nails today and discovered I left the remover at his place. Given my bottle has lasted over a year, I'm not excited about buying another.
I won't even get into the feeling of not knowing if we'll be spending Christmas and New Years together. To many that's far off and not necessary to consider at this point. ..but I can't stop the spiral of thoughts about all the things I may be facing as a single person again.
The largest of issues is really that I feel on hold about my emotions. I can't know whether to begin to morn the loss or begin to consider 'the way back'.
I keep being told I need to be using this time to be clear about what I want. It's hard to know what to want when all you know is that you don't want *this* and you don't know if your wants will be irrelevant if he doesn't want to move forward. It seems to me that the devistation will only be greater if I work on the assumption that we'll be working on us, only to find out he wants out of the game.
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